Fearfully Doubting...or Doubtingly Fearful

This is the first thing I've written (not including frivolous and irrelevant college papers) in a long time, so be gentle, or harsh; whichever you think will benefit me most.

I have been struggling with issues of motivation, confidence, and self worth lately. I put this fact out there only as a basis for this train of thought you, the reader, are about to take a ride on...this is not a pity party.

When things are bad, we naturally wonder why they are bad. This leads us to think of when things were good and to wonder why they can't just stay that way. In our current state of woe, we come to realize how infrequently we experience something truly wonderful, and how fleeting that something tends to be. We dig through our memories and find that this seems to be mostly true. But why is it true?

Grab hold of one of those seemingly rare gems, when everything was right and perfect. How did that moment feel? Amazing, of course. More importantly, why did that moment end? Why was it soured? Without really thinking about it we'll say, "Nothing lasts forever," or that something or someone changed, the situation wasn't sustainable, 'life' happened, etc. What if we take a closer look?

Maybe this moment is unexpectedly landing a great job, or being immersed in a once-in-a-lifetime relationship. Everything is going perfectly. The job is challenging and rewarding; our lover exemplifies our ideal in every way--everything is wonderful and natural and easy; it just feels right. We are beside ourselves and wonder, "How can this be happening? Why do I deserve this," and then, "What if I lose it?" Doubt. Fear. We've been trained our whole lives to think that good things do not come easily and are fleeting. Struggle is the norm, so hold on to the good things as long as you can because they won't last. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Think about that amazing relationship. It felt unreal didn't it? It felt freeing, liberating, joyous, and above all, it felt easy and natural. This is our natural state--without fear--and it's glorious. But then we start to feel uneasy. What if I'm not ready for this? What if I screw this up? We begin to doubt ourselves. What if he's not what he seems? What if she changes her feelings? Fear creeps its way in, undermining our natural state. We begin to give less; resentment and suspicion may take hold of us. Finally our fear roots itself deeply in our minds and what happens? We connect less, we disagree more, we distance ourselves and it all falls down. London Bridge, my fair lady.

The same happens with the job. We may hit a bump in the road and start to doubt our ability. The fear sets in--What if I do the wrong thing? What if I can't handle the responsibility? What if I fail? Soon there are more bumps in the road, more doubt, more fear, until it seems all our fears are coming true. Are we prophets? Are we so well versed in the ways of the world that we can see the downfall coming? I'd like to check 'no' to both.

Could it be that we are manifesting the downfall simply by giving into our thoughts of fear and doubt? Is the belief itself, that all good things cannot last, the very thing that causes the good things to not last? Are we not the same people we were when things were wonderful? So why shouldn't things still be wonderful? The situation did not begin to change until our thoughts began to change; until we began to doubt and be fearful. There is a correlation. We've gone from giving our all and realizing great things to giving less for fear of failure and so realizing failure or mediocrity. What if, instead of doubting whether we're ready for a joyous situation, we loudly proclaim that we are ready, and we are worthy, and it can last forever? Sure, Bryan, sounds like a good ole time in Fairy Land, tra la la!

Or is it just simple, observable logic? I've come to realize that the moment we begin to fear, precisely that which we fear is set in motion. You can chalk this up to some cosmic force, be it God or the Law of Attraction, or whatever you choose, but I think the mechanism at work is more personal than that. It's as if we are willing our own mind and body to make it happen. When we convince ourselves a good thing is too good, or won't last, our subconscious makes absolutely sure that it is and it doesn't. We hold back, retreat, distract ourselves, or quit, to protect ourselves from the pain of failure or loss and then we look and say, "See, I told you it wouldn't work out." Instead of retreating in an effort to avoid a painful break further down the road, what if we stick with it, love relentlessly, and work on our faults and shortcomings within the positive, affirming and natural atmosphere we've managed to create (or stumble into)? Sounds like the logical choice, n'est-ce pas?

To most of us it still sounds like a fairy tale. Just like obtaining your dream job and keeping it is a fairy tale. Just like lasting passionate love is a fairy tale. But the fact that it is a fairy tale to us only illustrates the point further. We're trapped in this self-fulfilling prophetic belief that nothing good can last. That seems pretty grim doesn't it? So it's at least worth a shot to test the fairy tale, is it not? The next time something amazing comes along, grab it, claim it, and know that it's ours. We wouldn't have it if we didn't deserve it. when we hit a bump, see it for what it is; just a bump. Reject our doubts and try, love, give, receive, that much more fearlessly. See if we don't immediately recover and continue in the good times unscathed. If we look at our bag of memories from this angle we can see that all those little mere flashes of joy followed by disappointment had the potential to become sustained, truly wonderful times, if we had only let them. My apologies for the downer.

I know this all sounds like a bunch of self-help fluff--think positively and everything will be gee golly swell--and if you've read this far, I commend you, but I think it's more than that. It's a fundamental determining factor of our quality of life. What could possibly be more pressing? What underlies all of our negative experiences is fear. Test that statement. There's no question about it. Depression keeps hundreds of millions of people from reaching their potential and from being content, much less genuinely happy. What if we could eradicate depression simply by eradicating fearful thoughts? And I'm not talking about primal fear so let's keep the 'fear is essential for survival' discussion out of this.

Taking control of our own thoughts is not an easy task by any means, but it's also not insurmountable. I've been trying to 'walk the talk' so to speak for the past several weeks and have been met with both triumph and despair. When I've been able to hold my focus and sustain my resolve to live free of fear it's been spectacular, indescribable, easy and free. By the same token, when bumps in the road appear to me like towering mountains and I give into fear, the fall that follows is long and hard. It's very apparent to me that this is what causes the descent. I can recognize the point when my thoughts turn fearful and immediately afterward things do indeed start slipping.

It's a lot to take on, and it will be discouraging and hopeless at times, but it's worth it. So live fearlessly. Love fearlessly. Be fearless. And when it's wonderful, by God, let it be wonderful.

thank You and God bless

bryan